Donatello's Quest for Coffee
by Hyaroo
Summary: A parody of INFOCOM-style text based adventure games: Donatello is on a quest to get some coffee... sounds easy, right? Voted "Best Comedy" in the Stealthy Stories' 2008 TMNT Fanfiction Competition!


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**Author's note and disclaimer:**

**TMNT and all its many characters belong to Mirage Studios and Peter Laird, and not to a poor fanfiction writer like myself.**

I decided to go a slightly more untraditional route for this one, so instead of the usual type of story you here get a fanfic that pretends to be a transcript of an INFOCOM adventure game. (If you're wondering, INFOCOM was a company that made text-based adventure games for the computers of yore; their games recognizable by the very advanced -- for the time -- parser, which could understand complex commands like _"get all apples except the green apple from the barrel,"_ whereas simpler parsers could only understand simpler commands like _"get apple."_ The idea, and the joke, behind this story is that the "parser" is so advanced that it's capable of talking back to to the "player," and being somewhat snarky at that.

I can't claim credit for the idea of writing a fanfic in this style -- there are a few others out there who had the same idea (and I must admit, I couldn't resist stealing a couple of jokes from them...). But this is, as far as I know, the first TMNT fanfic of this kind... so, of you're ready, let's start the game!

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DONATELLO'S QUEST FOR COFFEE

A DRAAGNY PRODUCTIONS Game

Asleep

You float in the misty void of sleep.

WHO AM I?

You're Batman.

REALLY?!

No, I was just kidding.

VERY FUNNY. WHO AM I REALLY?

If you don't even know, why are you even playing this game?

I'M BORED.

Fine. You die of boredom.

**** Game Over *****

[Do you wish to RESTART, RESTORE, UNDO, QUIT, or get a HINT?]

HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

Oh, all right. Your name is Donatello. You are a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, your favorite color is purple, and you live in an underground lair together with your three brothers, Michelangelo, Leonardo and Raphael, and your father/sensei, Splinter. Your quest, should you choose to accept it, is to find and drink a decent cup of coffee.

COFFEE?!

You like coffee.

I'M PLAYING A NINJA TURTLES GAME WHERE THE OBJECT IS TO DRINK COFFEE?! I DON'T EVEN GET TO FIGHT SHREDDER AND THE FOOT CLAN AND SAVE NEW YORK?

What part of the title "Donatello's Quest for Coffee" didn't you understand? Not every Ninja Turtles story has to be about fighting Shredder and the Foot Clan, you know.

ALL RIGHT, BUT WHY COFFEE?

Would you perhaps prefer playing one of the other games, "Michelangelo's Quest for Pizza," "Raphael's Quest for Beer," "Leonardo's Quest for That Book He Wanted To Read But Can't Remember The Title Of," or "Splinter's Quest for a Good Place to Meditate" instead?

NOT REALLY, NO.

Then can we please get on with it?

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction

LOOK MINOR CAFFEINE ADDICTION

Being the "smart Turtle" and therefore a natural technical whiz, you have this habit of staying up late and work on various inventions and machines. To manage, you go through a lot of coffee, which has resulted in a Minor caffeine addiction.

DRINK NO COFFEE

Okay, you don't drink any coffee.

LOOK FOR COFFEE

You can't do that, since you're still asleep and you haven't sleepwalked since that rather embarrassing incident when you were four years old and mistook Splinter's room for the bathroom.

WAKE UP THEN

There's nobody named "Then" here.

WHACK PARSER REPEATEDLY FOR BEING ANNOYING

Ow! Ow! Ow!

WAKE UP

You open your eyes.

Donatello's bedroom

Your bedroom is fairly spartan with largely unadorned walls. At the far end of the room is your computer desk, where three different computers (two stationary and one laptop) are humming away in "rest" mode. On the chair rests your normal clothes, consisting of a purple bandanna, a belt and a complete set of elbow and knee pads. Not the most fashionable of wardrobes, but a mutant turtle has to take what he gets. On top of these clothes you also find your Shell Cell, the cell phone with a goofy name. Next to your bed, propped up against a wall, is your lucky bo staff. You are lying on the bed.

GET OUT OF BED

You get out of bed.

WEAR THE CLOTHES

Worn. Such as they are.

TAKE SHELL CELL

Taken.

TAKE BO STAFF

Taken.

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Bo staff

LOOK FOR COFFEE

There's no coffee here. What, you didn't think it'd be that easy, did you?

GO KITCHEN

You cheer the kitchen on.

GO TO THE KITCHEN

Much as you might have wished otherwise at times (when you are working on your computers and don't have the time for going downstairs for dinner), the kitchen is not in your room.

EXIT ROOM

You exit your room.

Upstairs balcony

You are standing on a balcony in a circular room, approximately six feet wide, overlooking the main living room area. There are four doors here, leading to your room, Leonardo's room, Michelangelo's room and Raphael's room. At the far end of the balcony is a staircase leading downstairs.

GO DOWNSTAIRS

You cheer Downstairs on.

...

Good grief, it's a running gag.

JUMP OFF THE BALCONY

You jump off the balcony, landing elegantly on your feet. (Don't try this at home, kids, the Ninja Turtles are trained professionals.) You get one brownie point for impressive ninja action.

Main living room area

You are in a large, circular room with a high domed ceiling. The center of the room is mainly occupied by a large pool with flowing water, crossable by means of a wooden bridge, and a few feet away from the pool is the regular training area. By the East wall is a couch and a number of television sets, dubbed the "Entertainment center." None of the televisions are, at the moment, on.

There are five doors here: To the North is the entrance to the lair, to the West is Splinter's room, to the Southwest is the door to your own lab (where you keep your tools and do most of your scientific and/or technical work), to the South is the door to the elevator leading directly to the surface, and to the East is the kitchen.

Leonardo is here.  
Raphael is here.

LOOK LEONARDO AND RAPHAEL

Leonardo and Raphael are fighting each other in the training area.

Leonardo spin-kicks Raphael, who is swept off his feet and lands on his back.  
Raphael rolls to his feet and resumes a fighting stance.

OH, HOW ORIGINAL A FIGHT BETWEEN LEO AND RAPH? WHO SAW THAT ONE COMING?

For your information, they're training, hence the words "training area." This is a so-called practice combat.

OH.

Exactly.

JOIN FIGHT

That would be very poor etiquette.

ASK RAPHAEL FOR COFFEE

Raphael barely glances at you. "What do I look like, a coffee machine?"

Raphael tries to lunge at Leonardo, but misses.  
Leonardo jumps up in the air and aims a flying kick towards Raphael.

ASK LEONARDO FOR COFFEE

"I'm a bit busy now, Don. Why don't you try the kitchen?"

Raphael catches Leonardo as he jumps on him, and sends him flying with a well-placed throw.  
Leonardo hits the floor, rolls and gets back to his feet.

GO KITCHEN

You cheer the kitchen on.

WHACK PARSER AGAIN FOR BEING ANNOYING

Ow! Hey, you're the one who keeps giving me these perfect set-ups.

FINE. ENTER THE KITCHEN! HAPPY?

It'll do. You enter the kitchen.

Kitchen

For a kitchen in an underground lair owned by a rat and four turtles, it's surprisingly well-equipped with three cabinets, a large refrigerator, an oven, a microwave, a sink complete with a garbage disposal and a full set of ginsu knives.

Michelangelo is here.

LOOK MICHELANGELO

Your orange-masked brother is currently busy making breakfast. In stark contrast with the healthy life a ninja is expected to lead, he's making French toast. As you enter the kitchen, he turns and gives you a wide grin. "Morning, Donny! How's everyone's favorite Turtle genius doin' this morning?"

ASK MICHELANGELO FOR COFFEE

"Aw, sorry dude, we're fresh out of coffee. How 'bout some French toast instead?"

TAKE FRENCH TOAST

You take the French toast straight out of the frying pan, discovering too late that taking things out of the frying pan with your bare hands is pretty Your hand now hurts a lot.

SCREAM IN PAIN

Be my guest.

Michelangelo looks at you with a bemused expression. "You okay there? I'da thought your Ridiculously high IQ woulda warned you against taking French Toast straight from the frying pan like that?"

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Bo staff  
French toast  
Burned hand

GLARE AT RIDICULOUSLY HIGH IQ

Ridiculously high IQ is currently malfunctioning thanks to No coffee. Your hand still hurts a LOT.

COOL BURNED HAND UNDER TAP

Your hand feels a lot better after you've held it under the tap for a while. You get one brownie point for quick cooling action.

DROP NO COFFEE

Okay, you don't drop any coffee.

OFFER NO COFFEE TO MICHELANGELO

"Thanks, Donny, but no thanks. I prefer No tea."

SAY "MICHELANGELO, WHERE CAN I FIND COFFEE?"

Michelangelo looks thoughtful for a moment. "Well, let's see... maybe April has some coffee? She goes through a lot of the stuff, far as I know."

ASK APRIL FOR COFFEE

April isn't here.

LOOK FOR APRIL

You begin searching the kitchen for April, opening the cabinets and the fridge to peek inside in case she's hiding there, but no such luck; there is absolutely no trace of her.

Michelangelo begins following you, looking through the cabinets. "Are we playing hide-and-go-seek? Does the winner get anything?"

HIT MICHELANGELO WITH BO STAFF

"Owww! Whatcha do that for?"

SAY "I GET MEAN WHEN I DON'T HAVE ANY COFFEE."

"Really? Never saw that on any of your bios."

USE SHELL CELL TO CALL APRIL

You take out your Shell Cell and dial April's number. After a few moments, you hear her voice: "Hello, this is April O'Neil. I'm sorry, but I can't answer the phone right now, so please leave a message at the sound of the tone." Beep.

WELL, THAT WAS POINTLESS.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Who can tell?

HANG UP

You don't want to leave a message?

NO.

Suit yourself. You hang up.

Michelangelo shrugs and goes back to making breakfast.

LEAVE KITCHEN

You exit the kitchen.

Main living room area

You are in a large, circular room with a high domed ceiling. The center of the room is mainly occupied by a large pool with flowing water, crossable by means of a wooden bridge, and a few feet away from the pool is the regular training area. By the East wall is a couch and a number of television sets, dubbed the "Entertainment center." None of the televisions are, at the moment, on.

There are five doors here: To the North is the entrance to the lair, to the West is Splinter's room, to the Southwest is the door to your own lab (where you keep your tools and do most of your scientific and/or technical work), to the South is the door to the elevator leading directly to the surface, and to the East is the kitchen.

Leonardo is here.  
Raphael is here.

Leonardo aims a powerful kick at Raphael's torso.  
Raphael dodges Leonardo's kick and follows up with a blow to the chest.

ENTER SPLINTER'S ROOM

The door to Splinter's room is closed. You know that you're not supposed to enter your father's room without his permission.

ENTER SPLINTER'S ROOM ANYWAY

You reach out to open the door, but are cut off by Leonardo's voice from behind you: "Don, what are you doing by Master Splinter's door?"

Leonardo catches Raphael's hand and twists it around to hold him in a death grip.  
Raphael uses a hip-throw to sent Leonardo flying again.

SAY "WHERE IS SPLINTER?"

"He's off on a Quest for a Good Place to Meditate. He'll be back tonight, or alternately you can see him if you stop playing this game and start playing his instead."

Leonardo parries Raphael's blow and counters with another kick.  
Raphael jumps out of the way.

SAY "I HAVE PERMISSION FROM SPLINTER TO ENTER HIS ROOM."

"Can't see any permissions from Splinter in your inventory," says Leonardo firmly. "Sorry, Don, but since I'm in charge whenever Splinter isn't here, I have to see to it that his wishes are followed, and that means no entering Splinter's room without his explicit permission."

Raphael jumps over Leonardo in the hope of grabbing him from behind and throwing him again.  
Leonardo spins around and sends Raphael flying with a well-aimed kick.

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Bo staff  
French toast

OFFER NO COFFEE TO LEONARDO

"You're not trying to bribe me, are you?!"

Leonardo lunges at Raphael, but misses.

Raphael lunges at Leonardo, but misses.

ENTER MY LAB

You enter your lab.

Donatello's lab

It's a bit of a mess; all over the place are tools, experiments, half-finished inventions and half-repaired broken items belonging to your brothers -- but like all genius inventors in the world of entertainment, you still manage somehow to instantly know where everything is. On the workbench, among various advanced tools, you find a laptop, a skateboard, a pigeon puppet and a coffee machine.

LOOK COFFEE MACHINE

It's broken.

FIX COFFEE MACHINE

Fix coffee machine with what?

FIX COFFEE MACHINE WITH TOOLS

You pick up the tools and use them to fix the coffee machine. You get one brownie point for fixing it. Pity that you still have No coffee, so it's not like the machine is going to do you any good.

TAKE COFFEE MACHINE

Taken.

LOOK WORKBENCH

It's a nice, sturdy workbench. Among the various tools, you find a laptop, a skateboard, and a pigeon puppet. The laptop and the skateboard are there because you mended them both yesterday. You have no idea what the pigeon puppet is doing there.

TAKE LAPTOP

Taken.

TAKE TOOLS

Taken.

TAKE SKATEBOARD

Taken.

TAKE PIGEON PUPPET

Taken. This is getting to be a little monotonous, isn't it?

INVENTORY

You are carrying:  
Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Bo staff  
French toast  
Coffee machine  
Laptop  
Tools (advanced, various)  
Skateboard  
Pigeon puppet

WHERE AM I CARRYING ALL THIS, ANYWAY? IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY POCKETS.

It's just a game, you should really just relax.

EXIT LAB

You exit your lab.

Main living room area

You are in a large, circular room with a high domed ceiling. The center of the room is mainly occupied by a large pool with flowing water, crossable by means of a wooden bridge, and a few feet away from the pool is the regular training area. By the East wall is a couch and a number of television sets, dubbed the "Entertainment center." None of the televisions are, at the moment, on.

There are five doors here: To the North is the entrance to the lair, to the West is Splinter's room, to the Southwest is the door to your own lab (where you keep your tools and do most of your scientific and/or technical work), to the South is the door to the elevator leading directly to the surface, and to the East is the kitchen.

Leonardo is here.  
Raphael is here.

Leonardo spin-kicks Raphael.  
Raphael manages to dodge this, followed by a chest-lever lunge.

DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT DESCRIPTION EVERY TIME I ENTER THE MAIN LIVING ROOM AREA? IT'S REALLY GETTING OLD. AND THAT FIGHT? COMPLETELY TOOTHLESS. I'VE SEEN EPISODES OF "THE SMURFS" WITH MORE INTERESTING FIGHTS.

Moan, moan, moan. If you don't like it, blame the programmer. Alternately, go someplace else, and you won't have to watch the fight.

FINE. GO ELEVATOR

You cheer the elevator on.

AAAAAARGH!

I know. I thought that you'd learned by now.

ENTER THE DAMNED ELEVATOR!

You enter the damned elevator; unfortunately, since it is a damned elevator, it can only take you directly to the netherworld where the damned souls dwell. Upon reaching the netherworld, you are instantly killed and devoured by a demon.

**** Game Over *****

[Do you wish to RESTART, RESTORE, UNDO, QUIT, or get a HINT?]

...WHAT THE HELL?!

Exactly. You should probably tone down the cursing, though; the censors don't like it. Kids may be watching this, you know.

HINT

I'd start saving the game a bit more often if I were you.

UNDO

Undone.

ENTER THE ELEVATOR

You go to the elevator. As it opens, Raphael pauses in the fighting, looks at you and says "Hey, Don, if yer goin' topside, could ya bring me back some Sword oil?"

SWORD OIL? WHAT'S THAT?

Your Ridiculously high IQ, for the moment functioning, informs you that it's an acid-free oil used in sword maintenance, to prevent the weapon from rusting. It's essential in caring for katana (even though experts might grumble that Leonardo's swords are ninja-to and not katana, we still refer to them as katana around here, because that's how the tradition is).

WHAT DOES RAPHAEL WANT WITH SWORD OIL, THEN? HE USES SAIS, NOT SWORDS.

Sais need care and maintenance too, but there's no such thing as Sai oil. Besides, don't you know a plot point when you see one?

SAY "RAPHAEL, I'LL GET YOUR SWORD OIL."

"Great! Thank you, Don!"

The door to the elevator closes. After a moment, you feel the elevator being set in motion.

WAIT

After a short wait, the elevator stops, and the door opens. You are now on street level.

EXIT ELEVATOR

You exit the elevator.

Abandoned warehouse

You are on the ground level of the abandoned warehouse that serves as your family's topside garage. Parked here are the Battle Shell, the armored truck, as well as Raphael's motorbike, the so-called Shell Cycle. The elevator leading to your lair is in the middle of the room.

SAVE

Game saved.

LOOK BATTLE SHELL

It's originally an old armored truck, but you have upgraded and turned it into a high-tech battle wagon that any military would have killed to get their hands on. With its turbo-boost, supercharged 460 engine, dual action missile and torpedo launchers, plus tons of other extra features that would take too long to list in a game like this, the Batmobile ain't got nothing on this baby.

TAKE BATTLE SHELL

It's too heavy to carry.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO "IT'S JUST A GAME, YOU SHOULD REALLY JUST RELAX"?

Within reason, man, within reason.

GET INTO BATTLE SHELL

You get into the truck and slip in behind the steering wheel.

START THE ENGINE

Nothing happens. You realize that the van is out of gas, although you could have sworn you filled it up just recently. Your Ridiculously high IQ, still working, suspects that one of your brothers, most likely Michelangelo, must have taken the truck for a joyride of some sort and neglected to inform you.

SWEAR

"Shell! Shell! Shell!" you cry. It's not much of a swearword, but at least it gets past the censors

GET OUT OF BATTLE SHELL

You get out of the Battle Shell.

EXIT WAREHOUSE

You exit the warehouse, stepping out on the street.

Outside warehouse

You find yourself in a fairly quiet part of Manhattan, a small parking space outside the warehouse holding a single, worn-down car. A few people, walking the streets just outside the parking space, take one look at you and start screaming. "Aaaaaugh! Giant turtle! Monster! Help! Help!"

Your Ridiculously high IQ informs you that it was probably a bad idea for a mutant turtle to go outside in the open and completely undisguised. It would have said something sooner, but once again, it malfunctioned thanks to No Coffee just when you needed it the most.

...OOPS.

Oops is right.

The people start running away in panic. One of the windows in the building directly over the street opens, and you hear a gruff voice hollering: "I ain't havin' no monsters in my neighborhood! Die, scum!" You barely have time to look up and see the old man who's speaking before he aims his shotgun at you and shoots you.

**** Game Over *****

[Do you wish to RESTART, RESTORE, UNDO, QUIT, or get a HINT?]

WAIT A MINUTE, HE SHOT ME? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CENSORS?

In text-based media, censors are more concerned with swearing, nudity and sex than violence. Just read the "Animorphs" books, and you'll get my point.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. RESTORE

Game restored.

Abandoned warehouse

You are on the ground level of the abandoned warehouse that serves as your family's topside garage. Parked here are the Battle Shell, the armored truck, as well as Raphael's motorbike, the so-called Shell Cycle. The elevator leading to your lair is in the middle of the room.

DISGUISE MYSELF

Disguise yourself with what?

DISGUISE MYSELF WITH DISGUISE

You're gonna have to be a little more specific than that.

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Bo staff  
French toast  
Coffee machine  
Laptop  
Tools (advanced, various)  
Skateboard  
Pigeon puppet

DISGUISE MYSELF WITH PIGEON PUPPET

...you're joking.

LOOK FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO DISGUISE MYSELF WITH

You search the warehouse for something to disguise yourself with. After a while, you find some old clothes in the back of the Battle Shell, kept there for exactly this kind of situation.

WEAR OLD CLOTHES

Worn. Your turtle-ness is now much less obvious. I guess you get one brownie point for figuring this one out, even if you did take your sweet time about it.

EXIT WAREHOUSE

Outside warehouse

You find yourself in a fairly quiet part of Manhattan, a small parking space outside the warehouse holding a single, worn-down car. A few people, walking the streets just outside the parking space, give you a brief glance and then continue walking.

LOOK FOR COFFEE

Oddly enough, you see no coffee either in the parking space, in the streets, or on the sidewalk.

GO APRIL'S PL... I MEAN, GO TO APRIL'S PLACE

You're finally learning! Good for you! You start walking towards April's place. Thanks to your disguise, nobody gives you so much as a second glance as you stroll along the sidewalk.

Outside April's place

You are standing outside the antique store, "2nd Time Around," owned and ran by April, who also lives in a moderately-sized apartment on the floor above the store itself. In the large store windows you can see several antiques on display; among other thing a cheap-looking vase, some old books, a floor lamp and, for some inexplicable reason, a bottle of Sword oil.

TAKE SWORD OIL

You are not a shoplifter, and besides you can't reach through the glass.

ENTER STORE

You enter the store.

2nd Time Around

The interior of the store is filled with old things; valuable antiques and worthless junk in roughly equal parts. Behind the counter, a spiral staircase leads up to the apartment above.

April is here.

SAY "HELLO, APRIL."

April looks up at you, a little puzzled at first, but then she smiles. "Oh, hello, Don! I didn't recognize you in that disguise! What brings you here today?"

ASK APRIL FOR COFFEE

"Don, this is an antique store, not a coffee house. Besides, my coffee machine is broken."

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Bo staff  
French toast  
Coffee machine  
Laptop  
Tools (advanced, various)  
Skateboard  
Pigeon puppet  
Old clothes (worn)

GIVE APRIL COFFEE MACHINE

"Why, thank you, Don, but I can't accept this."

SAY "I'LL LET YOU HAVE IT IN EXCHANGE FOR THE SWORD OIL IN THE WINDOW."

"All right, that sounds like a fair trade." April goes up to the window, takes the Sword oil and gives it to you. You get two Brownie points.

ASK APRIL FOR COFFEE

"Well, okay then, now that I do have a coffee machine. Would you mind watching the store for me while I make it?"

SAY "OKAY."

"Thank you! I'll be back in a few minutes!" April goes up the stairs and vanishes out of sight.

WAIT

You wait. Nothing happens.

WAIT

You wait. Nothing happens.

WAIT

You wait. Nothing happens.

WAI... HOLD ON, THIS ISN'T SOME KIND OF INFINITE LOOP, IS IT?

That would be telling.

SIGH.

You sigh.

WAIT UNTIL APRIL RETURNS

Before April returns, the door to the antique store opens, and without warning, an infinite number of Foot ninja, clad in black, come swarming in.

...I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS GAME DIDN'T HAVE THE SHREDDER OR THE FOOT IN IT!

No, I only said that not every Ninja Turtles story had to include Shredder or the Foot. I never said this one didn't.

The Foot ninja form out around the room and strike battle formations, glowering at you from behind their masks. A young woman, dressed in the Foot garb but without the mask, slowly steps forth towards you. You recognize her as Karai, the Shredder's ward.

"We are looking for April O'Neil," says Karai, apparently not recognizing you in your disguise. "Tell us where she is, and you shall not be harmed."

ATTACK KAR... SAVE! SAVE!

Game saved.

ATTACK KARAI WITH BO STAFF

You draw your Bo staff and charge at Karai. Unfortunately, the other Foot ninja all charge at you at the same time, and while you are certainly skilled enough to fight any five or six of them at a time, you can't handle them all by yourself. You are quickly overpowered and killed.

**** Game Over *****

[Do you wish to RESTART, RESTORE, UNDO, QUIT, or get a HINT?]

RESTORE

Game restored.

The Foot ninja form out around the room and strike battle formations, glowering at you from behind their masks. A young woman, dressed in the Foot garb but without the mask, slowly steps forth towards you. You recognize her as Karai, the Shredder's ward.

"We are looking for April O'Neil," says Karai, apparently not recognizing you in your disguise. "Tell us where she is, and you shall not be harmed."

CLAIM TO BE A PART-TIME WORKER IN THE STORE

Karai, still not having seen through your disguise, just scoffs. "Who and what you are is of no consequence, funny green man. We simply want April O'Neil."

SAY "WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH APRIL?"

"The Foot gives no explanations and tolerates no excuses," says Karai coldly. "Tell us where April O'Neil is, now!"

SAVE

Game saved.

SAY "I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

"Liar! Foot ninja, attack!"

The Foot ninja all charge you.

RESTORE

Game restored.

"The Foot gives no explanations and tolerates no excuses," says Karai coldly. "Tell us where April O'Neil is, now!"

SAY "SHE'S GONE TO MEXICO."

"Liar! Foot ninja, attack!"

The Foot ninja all charge you.

RESTORE

Game restored.

"The Foot gives no explanations and tolerates no excuses," says Karai coldly. "Tell us where April O'Neil is, now!"

THROW FRENCH TOAST AT THE FOOT NINJA

...

WELL?!

You throw the French toast at the Foot ninja. You can almost see that behind their masks, their eyes light up in ravenous hunger at the sight of such a rare treat, and it takes only five seconds before they are all in an out-and-out brawl, each one trying to get the elusive French toast for himself, and for the moment they have forgotten all about you, despite Karai desperately ordering them to quit it and seize you instead. You get two brownie points.

RUN UP THE STAIRS.

You run up the stairs, leaving behind the noisy din of the still-fighting Foot ninja and Karai's barked orders.

April's Living Room

You are standing in April's living room, a fairly large, comfortable and on the whole tastefully-decorated area complete with a well-equipped kitchenette and dining area, TV corner/lounge area and several bookshelves containing various interesting books. A spiral staircase leads down to the antique store, and three doors lead to, respectively, the basement (via the fire escape), the bathroom, and April's bedroom. The triple window leading out towards the street is open, and a cool breeze is blowing in.

April is here.  
Shredder is here.

Shredder has hoisted the struggling April over his shoulder and is holding the Coffee machine in his hand, and is just about to jump out the window with both.

...SAVE

Game saved.

YELL OUT TO SHREDDER

Shredder turns and looks at you, but your disguise keeps him from recognizing you. "Stay back!" he says. "And you will contact the infernal Turtles and tell them that if they do not wish to see either Miss O'Neil or this Coffee machine come to any harm, they will immediately surrender themselves to the Foot!"

"Don't listen to him!" April yells, struggling. "Get out of here!"

ATTACK SHREDDER WITH BO STAFF

You charge at Shredder with the bo staff, but before you can get so far he tosses both April and the Coffee machine out the window, and they both fall to the ground, hitting the pavement two floors below.

RESTORE

Game restored.

Shredder has hoisted the struggling April over his shoulder and is holding the Coffee machine in his hand, and is just about to jump out the window with both.

ATTACK SHREDDER FROM BEHIND WITH BO STAFF

You attack Shredder from behind with the bo staff just as he is about to exit the window, unfortunately causing him to drop both April and the Coffee machine, who both fall to the ground, hitting the pavement two floors below.

RESTORE

Game restored.

Shredder has hoisted the struggling April over his shoulder and is holding the Coffee machine in his hand, and is just about to jump out the window with both.

YELL "POLICE! FREEZE!" IN A DEEP VOICE

Shredder is just about to exit through the window when your voice causes him to stop. He turns and looks at you, his eyes narrowing. "What trickery is this?" he demands. "You are no policeman!"

April just stares at you, blinking in confusion.

SAY "I'M IN PLAIN CLOTHES."

"Oh. That makes sense. Still, no matter! You cannot stop the Shredder from taking his revenge!"

SAY "THE DEPARTMENT HAS EVIDENCE THAT YOU ARE REALLY OROKU SAKI!"

"What?! Who told you... uh... such an abysmal lie?! Oroku Saki is a respected, handsome model citizen and has absolutely nothing to do with me!"

SAY "IF YOU ARE NOT OROKU SAKI, PROVE IT BY LETTING THE WOMAN AND THE COFFEE MACHINE GO!"

"I fail to see how that would prove anything, but if you insist..." With an evil laughter, Shredder throws both April and the Coffee machine out the window. They both fall to the ground, hitting the pavement two floors below.

...YOU'RE MEAN.

Hey, Shredder is supposed to be a villain. What made you think he was going to be nice?

RESTORE

Game restored.

Shredder has hoisted the struggling April over his shoulder and is holding the Coffee machine in his hand, and is just about to jump out the window with both.

THROW BO STAFF AT SHREDDER

You've read the first issue of the Mirage comic, I take it?

YES.

Well, unfortunately, since this version of Shredder is mostly made out of metal, he is somewhat less easily knocked out, and you fail in knocking him off the roof, or in this case, out of the window. However, the direct and lucky hit from the bo staff does momentarily causes the Shredder exo-suit to malfunction and freeze up, staggering like a mini-boss from an old-school video game.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE MOMENT

Taken.

...

What?

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Laptop  
Tools (advanced, various)  
Skateboard  
Pigeon puppet  
Old clothes (worn)  
Sword oil  
Advantage of the moment

...USE ADVANTAGE OF THE MOMENT TO GRAB APRIL AND COFFEE MACHINE FROM SHREDDER

Done.

April uses Advantage of the moment too, as you grab her, to kick Shredder in the head, making him fall over.  
The Coffee machine doesn't do anything.

You get five brownie points for getting them both back unharmed from Shredder.

TAKE APRIL AND RUN

Take April and run where?

TAKE APRIL AND RUN TO BEDROOM

Is this really the right time to be thinking of that sorta thing? Besides, you'd never get it past the censors

JUST DO IT!

You are sued by Nike for unauthorized use of their corporate slogan.

JUST TAKE APRIL AND RUN TO THE BEDROOM, ALREADY!!

All right, all right.

April's Bedroom

You are standing in a small room with a window facing towards a narrow alleyway. This room is slightly more messy than the living room was, with an untidied bed , a small pile of books on the nightstand and a few clothes strewn out over the floor.

April blushes. "Um, I didn't think I'd have a visitor in my bedroom, or I would have tidied up a little."

From the outside, you can hear that Shredder has gotten to his feet and is running towards the bedroom. You are fairly certain that whatever he has in mind, it has nothing to do with a love triangle.

TAKE APRIL AND JUMP OUT THE WINDOW

You take April in your arms and jump out the window, landing elegantly on your feet on the ground in the alleyway. (Remember, kids, the Ninja Turtles are still trained professionals, and you still shouldn't try this at home.)

Alleyway.

It's a fairly narrow alleyway, leading out to the streets on the other side; nothing particularly interesting here apart from a dumpster, behind which a hockey-masked man is hiding.

Casey Jones is here.

ASK CASEY WHAT HE'S DOING HERE

Casey looks up and says, in a hissing whisper: "Shhhh! I'm waitin' to ambush the Purple Dragons when they come here!" He pauses and then looks more closely at you. "Hey, Don, that's a pretty lousy disguise. You're not expectin' anyone to be fooled by it, are you?"

STARE AT CASEY IN DISBELIEF

You stare at Casey in disbelief.

April interrupts the staring by saying: "Casey, we have to run! Shredder is after us!"

Shredder comes jumping out the window, landing on his feet behind you with a heavy THUD. "Revenge!" he cries.

ATTACK SHEDDER WITH BO STAFF

Excuse me, but you don't have your bo staff anymore.

WHAT?!

You threw it at Shredder, remember? And didn't pick it up again afterwards! Your inventory is completely bo-less!

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Laptop  
Tools (advanced, various)  
Skateboard  
Pigeon puppet  
Old clothes (worn)  
Sword oil  
Advantage of the moment  
Coffee Machine  
April O'Neil

See? No bo staff anywhere in the inventory!

HMM... SAVE

Game saved.

ATTACK SHREDDER WITH PIGEON PUPPET

You hit Shredder repeatedly with the pigeon puppet, but for some unfathomable reason it doesn't seem to be a very effective weapon, and he hardly notices it.

Shredder grabs you by the throat and slams you against the wall, starting to throttle you.

April and Casey yell "Don!"

RESTORE

Game restored.

Shredder comes jumping out the window, landing on his feet behind you with a heavy THUD. "Revenge!" he cries.

UH... HINT

You can only get a hint during a Game Over. Sorry, them's the rules!

USE ADVANTAGE OF THE MOMENT

You use Advantage of the moment before Shredder manages to attack.

GIVE APRIL TO CASEY

Given.

You are still using Advantage of the moment.

GIVE COFFEE MACHINE TO CASEY

Given.

You are still using Advantage of the moment.

GIVE SKATEBOARD TO CASEY

Given.

You are still using Advantage of the moment, but it's starting to look a little strained.

TELL CASEY TO USE THE SKATEBOARD TO GET APRIL AND THE COFFEE MACHINE TO SAFETY

"You're kiddin'! I wanna help you bust that Shred-head, I ain't runnin' off like a yellow-bellied coward!"

You are still using Advantage of the moment, but it's starting to look a little more strained.

SAY "BUT APRIL NEEDS YOU!"

"I do not!" April shouts furiously. "I can take care of myself, and besides. I wouldn't trust this idiot to save me if he was the last man on Earth!"

Casey gets a determined look on his face (or at least you think he does, since it's hard to tell with that mask). "Yeah, well, tough luck, April, cause I'm not gonna let you down!" While April still protests, he skates away with her and the Coffee machine at top speed, and as soon as they vanish from the narrative they are outside danger. You get five brownie points for saving April and the Coffee machine, and one extra for managing to convince Casey.

You are still using Advantage of the moment, but now it's looking very strained and is threatening to break at any moment.

SAVE

Game saved.

You are still using Advantage of the moment, but now it's looking very strained and is threatening to break at any moment.

ATTACK SHREDDER WITH MY BARE HANDS

You attack Shredder with your bare hands, but as Advantage of the moment finally breaks under the strain, he quickly overpowers you, picking you up by the throat, slamming you against the wall and beginning to throttle you.

RESTORE

Game restored.

You are still using Advantage of the moment, but now it's looking very strained and is threatening to break at any moment.

ATTACK SHREDDER WITH LAPTOP

You attack Shredder with the laptop, which breaks the moment you try hitting with it, and as Advantage of the moment finally breaks under the strain, he quickly overpowers you, picking you up by the throat, slamming you against the wall and beginning to throttle you.

RESTORE

Game restored.

You are still using Advantage of the moment, but now it's looking very strained and is threatening to break at any moment.

RUN AWAY

You turn around and begin to run away in the same direction that April and Casey took. The Advantage of the moment finally breaks under the strain, and you can hear Shredder following you.

Main street

There's quite a bit more traffic and pedestrians here than in the smaller streets you have previously kept to, but thanks to your disguise nobody still takes much notice of you.

You hear running footsteps behind you.

HIDE IN CROWD

You begin mingling with the other pedestrians, trying to look like you have been with them all the time. From the corner of your eye, you can just barely make out Shredder still hiding in the alleyway, apparently not willing to risk being seen in public with that armor. You get two brownie points for the successful escape.

SAVE

Game saved.

LOOK FOR APRIL AND CASEY

They are nowhere to be seen.

LOOK FOR SHREDDER

He seems to have vanished.

LOOK FOR FOOT SOLDIERS

No sign of them either.

BREATHE A SIGH IN RELIEF

Whew.

LOOK FOR COFFEE

You can't find any.

AW, COME ON. THE GREAT CITY NEW YORK HAS NO COFFEE ANYWHERE?!

Even in the great city New York, people are not in the habit of leaving cups of coffee out on the street, and you don't have any money to buy any either.

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Laptop  
Pigeon puppet  
Old clothes (worn)  
Sword oil

GO STAND BY STREET CORNER AND PERFORM VENTRILOQUISM ACT WITH PIGEON PUPPET TO RAISE MONEY TO A CUP OF COFFEE

....that is without question the stupidest idea you've had so far, and that's saying something.

I HAPPEN TO LIKE THE IDEA!

Fine, make a mockery out of this game.

You stand by a street corner and start performing a ventriloquist act with the pigeon puppet. People start giving you a wide berth, obviously thinking you're deranged.

CONTINUE VENTRILOQUISM ACT

You continue your ventriloquism act. People are still giving you a wide berth, obviously thinking you're deranged.

CONTINUE VENTRILOQUISM ACT

You continue your ventriloquism act. People are still giving you a wide berth, obviously thinking you're deranged.

CONTINUE VENTRILOQUISM ACT

You continue your ventriloquism act. People are still giving you a wide berth, obviously thinking you're deranged. Can you start doing something else now?

NO. CONTINUE VENTRILOQUISM ACT UNTIL SOMEONE GIVES ME MONEY

You continue your ventriloquism act for a long time. Finally, a police car stops by the street corner, and a policeman steps out of it, walking over to you. "Hello there," he says. "We've been getting several reports of a deranged lunatic frightening people with a pigeon puppet here. I'm gonna have to ask you to move along."

BLAME CANADA

"The Canadians forced you to stand by a street corner with a pigeon puppet? Get real, pal! Move along!"

BLAME MINOR ADDICTION TO COFFEE

"Addicted to coffee? Get therapy, pal! Move along!"

MOVE ALONG

Thank goodness.

You move along down the street. The policeman nods and gets back into his car.

FIND A DIFFERENT STREET CORNER AND PERFORM VENTRILOQUISM ACT WITH PIGEON PUPPET

...this isn't funny anymore!!! Aaaaaargh!!!!

NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL WHEN YOU'RE BEING A JERK!

Fine. Fine! If I promise to cut you some more slack, will you please stop this ventriloquism nonsense?!

WELL... ALL RIGHT.

Great. Thank you.

DO I GET BROWNIE POINTS FOR STOPPING THE VENTRILOQUIST ACT?

Don't push it.

RETURN TO ABANDONED WAREHOUSE

You walk back to the abandoned warehouse.

Outside warehouse

You find yourself in a fairly quiet part of Manhattan, a small parking space outside the warehouse holding a single, worn-down car. There are no people about this time.

ENTER WAREHOUSE

You are about to enter the warehouse when you hear heavy footsteps behind you, coming closer at an alarming speed.

TURN AROUND

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely...

QUIT IT, OR I TAKE OUT THE PIGEON PUPPET AGAIN!

Not a Bonnie Tyler fan, huh? All right, you turn around.

Shredder is running towards you, and as far as you can tell with that mask, he is looking angry. "You!" he roars. "You were the one who got all my Foot ninja addicted to French toast! Do you have any idea what that is going to cost me? Revenge!!"

SAVE

Game saved.

HOLD OUT PIGEON PUPPET AND SAY "YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN, SIR, I'M JUST A HARMLESS VENTRILOQUIST."

"I hate ventriloquists!" Shredder rips the pigeon puppet from you and lives up to his name by tearing it to shreds.

HEY! MY PIGEON PUPPET!

Good riddance!

ATTACK SHREDDER WITH... NO WAIT, I STILL DON'T HAVE MY BO STAFF, DO I?

Nope, you never went back for it.

I FORGOT.

Tough luck, kid.

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Laptop  
Tools (advanced, various)  
Pigeon puppet  
Old clothes (worn)  
Sword oil

USE SHELL CELL TO CALL THE OTHER TURTLES

You're under attack, you don't have enough time to call anyone.

STALL FOR TIME

Stall for time how?

ASK SHREDDER FOR COFFEE

Shredder blinks at you. "I am about to kill you, and you have the nerve to ask me for coffee?!"

SHOW MINOR COFFEE ADDICTION TO SHREDDER

"Ah, I understand. An addiction can be a cruel master -- personally, I have had an Addiction to Villainy for several years. But enough talk -- time for you to die!"

THROW TOOLS AT SHREDDER

You throw your tools at Shredder. At this distance it's easy to get in a proper hit, which causes the Shredder exo-suit to malfunction and freeze up, staggering like a mini-boss from an old-school video game.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MOMENT

Taken.

USE ADVANTAGE OF MOMENT TO STEAL ADDICTION TO VILLAINY FROM SHREDDER

...Right. Okay. Why not? Stolen.

Shredder stops dead in his tracks, looking bewildered. "My... my Addiction to villainy!" he says. "You took it from me! What have you done?! Now I no longer feel the urge to be villainous!" He drops to his knees, shaking. "I no longer feel the slightest desire to murder or mistreat people, or go on pointless vengeance crusades! What have you done to me?! My life has no meaning!"

BLINK

You blink.

Shredder crawls away, looking utterly defeated. You get five hundred brownie points for effectively ending the threat of Shredder and the Foot Clan forever (or at least until another writer decides to use them in another game or story).

...I HADN'T THOUGHT IT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK.

Well, what can I say? However, now you're the one with the Addiction to villainy. You suddenly feel a strong desire to kick puppies, rob banks, beat up superheroes and break every law you can think of. Oh, and it also wants to turn every piece of dialogue you say into a villainous statement.

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Laptop  
Old clothes (worn)  
Sword oil  
Addiction to villainy

DAMN!

Watch your language! Think of the kiddies! Think of the censors!

THE ADDICTION TO VILLAINY MADE ME SAY IT.

That's no excuse. Shredder never swore on the show, did he?

WELL, NO....

Exactly. So don't let the censors catch you using any stronger language than "shell" from now on!

SHELL!

Much better.

LOOK ADDICTION TO VILLAINY

It keeps telling you to wear black or gray armor, kill and mutilate people for things that aren't their fault, lie, cheat, steal and betray whenever you have the opportunity. Also, it wants to turn everything you say into villainous statements.

DROP ADDICTION TO VILLAINY

You drop Addiction to villainy, which hits the ground and bounces back into your inventory.

SHELL!

Yes, I know.

USE SHELL CELL TO CALL THE OTHER TURTLES

Which one do you want to call? There are three of them, and they all have their own Shell Cells.

LEONARDO

This sentence no verb.

USE SHELL CELL TO CALL LEONARDO

You take out your Shell Cell and dial Leonardo's number. After a few moments, he answers: "Hello?"

SAY "LEONARDO, IT'S DONATELLO."

You try to say this, but your Addiction to Villainy makes it come out as: "Foolish Turtle! I will never rest until you and yours are defeated and lie broken and whimpering at my feet like the spineless worms you are!"

Leonardo sounds confused and annoyed. "Okay, who is this?! How did you get this number?"

SAY "LEONARDO, IT'S ME! I HAVE AN ADDICTION TO VILLAINY! HELP ME!"

You try to say this, but your Addiction to Villainy makes it come out as: "Silence, pond scum! When I wish to know your opinion on something, I shall let you know -- otherwise, the only sound I want to hear from you is your dying gasps as I slowly strangle you!"

Leonardo is definitely sounding angry now. "Okay, I don't know who you are, but it won't take me too long to find out! And when my brothers and I find you, we 'll show you what it means to mess with honorable warriors!"

...HANG UP

You hang up.

CONSULT RIDICULOUSLY HIGH IQ ON WHAT TO DO NOW

Your Ridiculously High IQ has been seduced to the Dark side by your Addiction to Villainy and can now only come up with evil plans.

FINE. ASK RIDICULOUSLY HIGH IQ WHAT IS THE MOST EVIL WAY OF DISPOSING OF ANNOYING PARSERS WHO REFUSE TO GIVE PLAYERS A BREAK!

Hey, now, that's unfair! I'm just following my programming here! Besides, who just awarded you five hundred brownie points, huh?!

YOU'RE FOLLOWING YOUR PROGRAMMING, I'M FOLLOWING MY ADDICTION.

Of all players I could have had, why did it have to be you? Fine, we'll just have a Deus Ex Machina show up and save the day, shall we? I mean, we wouldn't want this extra twist to actually be a challenge or anything!

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

Super.

Splinter comes out of the warehouse. He looks around and spots you. "I thought I heard a noise out here. Is that you, Donatello? Will you please keep it down? I am on a Quest for a good place to meditate."

SAY "SPLINTER, I HAVE AN ADDICTION TO VILLAINY AND I CAN'T GET RID OF IT!"

You try to say this, but your Addiction to Villainy makes it come out as: "Cower and fear my wrath, fool! I can show you true power, for I am your worst nightmare!"

Splinter, however, just looks at you and nods. "An Addiction to villainy? I see. Well, my son, put the Addiction down on the ground, and I shall take care of it."

PUT ADDICTION TO VILLAINY DOWN ON THE GROUND

You place the Addiction to villainy on the ground.

Splinter hits the Addiction to villainy with his walking stick, shattering and breaking it for good. You are rid of the Addiction, though you don't get any brownie points since it was Splinter who had the idea and Splinter who pulled it off.

THANK SPLINTER

"You are welcome, my son."

ASK SPLINTER FOR COFFEE

"I do have some coffee in my room, but I am afraid I cannot come with you and fetch it right now, as I have not found a good place to meditate yet."

FIND GOOD PLACE TO MEDITATE

Look, if Splinter couldn't find it on his Quest, you don't have much of a chance.

HMMM...

Yes?

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
No coffee  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Laptop  
Old clothes (worn)  
Sword oil

SWITCH LAPTOP ON

Done.

USE LAPTOP TO GO ONLINE AND RUN A WEB SEARCH ON GOOD PLACES TO MEDITATE

...that's so crazy it actually works. You run a web search, and together with Splinter are able to pick out some good places to meditate.

Splinter takes note of the places you list. "I shall immediately go and visit these places. Thank you, my son. You have my permission to enter my room and get the coffee."

CHEER

You cheer.

Splinter bows and vanishes out of this game.

SAVE

Game saved.

ENTER WAREHOUSE

You enter the warehouse.

Abandoned warehouse

You are on the ground level of the abandoned warehouse that serves as your family's topside garage. Parked here are the Battle Shell, the armored truck, as well as Raphael's motorbike, the so-called Shell Cycle. The elevator leading to your lair is in the middle of the room.

ENTER ELEVATOR

You enter the elevator. The door closes, and after a moment, you feel the elevator being set in motion.

WAIT

You feel the elevator being set in motion. After a short while, it stops, and the door opens.

You are now on the underground level.

EXIT ELEVATOR

You exit the elevator.

Main living room area

You are in a large, circular room with a high domed ceiling. The center of the room is mainly occupied by a large pool with flowing water, crossable by means of a wooden bridge, and a few feet away from the pool is the regular training area. By the East wall is a couch and a number of television sets, dubbed the "Entertainment center." None of the televisions are, at the moment, on.

There are five doors here: To the North is the entrance to the lair, to the West is Splinter's room, to the Southwest is the door to your own lab (where you keep your tools and do most of your scientific and/or technical work), to the South is the door to the elevator leading directly to the surface, and to the East is the kitchen.

Leonardo is here.  
Raphael is here.  
Michelangelo is here.  
Casey is here.  
April is here.

Everybody is clutching a weapon -- even April, who is holding a naginata -- and looking extremely agitated.

SAY "HELLO, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?"

Leonardo looks at you, relieved. "Thank goodness you're back, Don. We just had a phone call from a villain!"

Raphael clutches his sais. "It ya hadn't come back soon, Don, I woulda gone topside myself and looked for you!"

Michelangelo twirls his nunchucks around. "And Casey told us you'd gotten into some trouble with Shredder and the Foot as well!"

Casey nods. "Yeah, and I brought April here, 'cause that was the safest place I could think of!"

April looks disgusted. "I don't need you to keep me safe!"

LAUGH

You laugh.

The others just look at you, strangely.

EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED

What, explain everything that's happened in this game?!

YES.

Oooh-kay. You start telling everyone the story of how you have been looking for coffee all day, and how this has involved you trading a coffee machine for a bottle of sword oil, defeating a herd of Foot ninja by throwing French toast at them, impersonating a police officer to fool Shredder, playing ventriloquist with a pigeon puppet, stealing Shredder's Addiction to villainy, having said Addiction to villainy smashed by Splinter after you'd called up Leonardo to recite villainous dialogue to him, and finally doing online searches to find places to meditate.

Everyone blinks.

Michelangelo laughs. "Dude, and I thought I was the imaginative one!"

Casey shrugs. "Makes perfect sense to me."

Raphael looks at you suspiciously. "Are you sure you're Don? Nothin' you did in that story sounded anything like anything you'd ever do."

BLAME CANADA

"That's ain't funny! Leave the Canadians alone! They never did anything to you!"

BLAME PLAYER

"Well, I guess that makes a bit more sense... I dunno, though.... You ain't even brought back any Sword oil for me."

GIVE SWORD OIL TO RAPHAEL

"Never mind, you're Don. Thanks." Raphael takes the Sword oil, shaking the bottle testingly, making a couple of drops spill on the floor. You get one brownie point.

Leonardo frowns. "Clean that oil spill up now, Raph!"

Raphael shrugs. "Yeah yeah, I'll do it when I finished cleanin' my sais. There's gonna be more oil spillin's from that anyway, so why not wait an' do it all together?"

Leonardo and Raphael start arguing.

IGNORE ARGUMENT

Argument ignored.

Michelangelo, April and Casey follow your example and ignore the argument as well.

ASK CASEY IF HE STILL HAS THE COFFEE MACHINE

"Sure do! I've kept it safe for ya!"

April glowers. "You mean, I've kept it safe from you! I carried it while you were riding around on that skateboard like a maniac!"

April and Casey start arguing.

IGNORE ARGUMENT

Argument ignored.

ASK CASEY FOR COFFEE MACHINE

He gives you the coffee machine, then continues to argue with April.

GO SPLINTER'S ROOM

You cheer Splinter's room on.

HEHEH. THIS TIME I DID IT ON PURPOSE.

I'm so happy for you.

ENTER SPLINTER'S ROOM

Leonardo looks up from the argument with Raphael and calls out to you. "Donatello! Are you entering Splinter's room without permission?"

SHOW LEONARDO PERMISSION TO ENTER SPLINTER'S ROOM

"Oh, right. Sorry, just checking."

Leonardo continues to argue with Raphael.

ENTER SPLINTER'S ROOM

You enter Splinter's room.

Splinter's room

Splinter's room is suitably spartan and organized, with a simple futon instead of a bed, a writing desk, a few book shelves and a closet. Beside the closet stands a small table where his collection of rare teas (for use at special occasions) stands proudly together with one small bag of coffee.

TAKE COFFEE

Taken. This cancels out the No coffee in your inventory, and you get ten brownie points.

MAKE COFFEE

You have the coffee, you have the coffee machine, but you lack the skill. Your Ridiculously high IQ informs you that if you try to make the coffee, it'll end up completely undrinkable.

THAT'S STEREOTYPING! JUST BECAUSE I'M A GIFTED SCIENTIST, I HAVE TO BE A LOUSY COOK?

Ten thousand Ninja Turtle fanfics can't be wrong.

...YES, THEY CAN.

Fine, but you're still a lousy cook.

OKAY, SO WHO IS A GOOD COOK THEN?

Why, everybody knows that Michelangelo is the best cook of all the Turtles!

EXIT SPLINTER'S ROOM

You exit Splinter's room.

Main living room area

You are in a large, circular room with a high domed ceiling. The center of the room is mainly occupied by a large pool with flowing water, crossable by means of a wooden bridge, and a few feet away from the pool is the regular training area. By the East wall is a couch and a number of television sets, dubbed the "Entertainment center." None of the televisions are, at the moment, on.

There are five doors here: To the North is the entrance to the lair, to the West is Splinter's room, to the Southwest is the door to your own lab (where you keep your tools and do most of your scientific and/or technical work), to the South is the door to the elevator leading directly to the surface, and to the East is the kitchen.

Leonardo is here.  
Raphael is here.  
Michelangelo is here.  
Casey is here.  
April is here.

Leonardo and Raphael are arguing.  
Casey and April are arguing.  
Michelangelo is eating popcorn and watching both arguments with an amused expression.

CONTINUE TO IGNORE ARGUMENTS

Arguments still ignored.

ASK MICHELANGELO TO MAKE ME A CUP OF COFFEE

"Okay, Don, but I'll need some coffee and a Coffee machine... oooh, and I'd make it even quicker if you gave me a present!"

INVENTORY

You are carrying:

Ridiculously high IQ  
Minor caffeine addiction  
Purple bandanna (worn)  
Belt (worn)  
Elbow pads (worn)  
Knee pads (worn)  
Shell Cell  
Laptop  
Old clothes (worn)  
Permission to enter Splinter's room  
Coffee machine  
Coffee

GIVE COFFEE TO MICHELANGELO

Given.

GIVE COFFEE MACHINE TO MICHELANGELO

Given.

GIVE PERMISSION TO ENTER SPLINTER'S ROOM TO MICHELANGELO

"Wow! This is the best present ever! Thanks, Don! One coffee coming right up!" Michelangelo vanishes into the kitchen.

Your Ridiculously high IQ suspects that you just did something incredibly foolish.

AT THIS POINT, I DON'T CARE, LONG AS I GET COFFEE.

I had a feeling you'd say that.

WAIT FOR MICHELANGELO TO COME OUT AGAIN

You wait.

Leonardo and Raphael are arguing.  
April and Casey are arguing.

Finally, Michelangelo comes out of the kitchen, carrying a cup of steaming hot coffee. "Here ya go, Don! Now -- whoa!" He doesn't get any further before slipping on the Sword oil that Raphael spilled on the floor. The coffee cup goes flying.

CATCH COFFEE CUP IN MID-AIR!

You manage to make a spectacular Ninja jump and catch the coffee cup in mid-air before anything spills. You get one brownie point.

WOW.

Don't say I never did anything nice for you.

DRINK COFFEE

You drink the coffee. It's delicious.

**** Congratulations, You've completed the game!*****

Do you want your brownie point total now?

WHAT, THAT'S IT?! THAT'S THE ENDING TO THE GAME?!

Yep.

KINDA ANTI-CLIMATIC, ISN'T IT?

Maybe. So, do you want your total score, or do you want to play again?

NAH. I THINK I'LL JUST TURN OFF THE GAME AND GO FOR A LONG WALK INSTEAD.

You do that.

****GAME OVER. THANKS FOR PLAYING!****


End file.
